Minor Point #1: Roster Changes
I love the team demolition derby. I am enamored of so many different facets of it, I probably could write an interesting column simply by listing the myriad things I enjoy about the TDA.
To wit: I love Kyle Shearer’s fearlessness, Johnny Ryan’s ferocity, Ryan Bleuer’s speed, Steve Gursky Jr.’s determination, Mel Noble Jr.’s insanity and Ron Johnston’s veteran intelligence amongst many other qualities of the drivers.
The TDA is a sport so good that it genuinely deserves a much larger following and more national fan base. As such, I despise any situations that arise that make my beloved sport come off as bush league. I take these bush league scenarios that come up as personal attacks against me. You have to respect the sport, son! Treat her right! Treat her gently! And for the love of God, treat her with respect!
Last month, I wrote at length about how ridiculous it was for teams to have the ability to have as many drivers as they saw fit to. Just cap it at five—four and a backup driver—and move on. When I was done with that topic, I figured that I was done writing about roster issues for a while. Man, was I wrong.
Orange Crush has been trailing Reckoning in the standings since the very first race of the season. Prior to Fourth Night, Orange Crush was eight points behind the first place Reckoning. To get back into the championship hunt in a real way, Orange Crush knew they were going to need a little luck: Reckoning would have to lose in the first round during Fourth Night and Orange Crush would have to go on to win a couple of races just to begin closing the gap.
Since Orange Crush and Reckoning had not yet faced each other in the first round, there was a 1 in 4 chance that they’d meet early. When the schedules for Fourth Night were announced, Orange Crush learned that they were not going to meet Reckoning in the first round. Luck was not on Orange Crush’s side… so they made their own luck: they sent several of their drivers, Pete Ryan and Tom “Brickman” Lewis (and a car) to the team that did pull Reckoning in the first round, Damage, Inc.
I am quick to point out that, as it stands, this is completely legal in the TDA. Orange Crush could have sent their entire team—complete with cars—to go up against Reckoning in the first round of Fourth Night and it would have been completely and totally legal.* Believe it or not, there are no rules (or guidlelines as the handbook spells it) as to what constitutes a team or how many teams a given driver can race for in a night.
* With this in mind, my question to Orange Crush isn’t why they sent Ryan and Lewis over to race with Damage, Inc, but why they didn’t also send Ryan Bleuer and Elmer Fandery.
And while I am taking pains to emphatically note that Orange Crush did nothing wrong by supplying Damage, Inc with Ryan and Lewis—they should probably be commended for attempting to use a legal maneuver to their benefit—from a fan’s perspective, the fact that the league allows teams to manipulate their rosters in this fashion seems even more shady and underhanded than having 19 drivers on your team.
The whole point of having a schedule is so that the teams in question race each other. Going into Fifth Night, in order to win the National Championship, Orange Crush will have to not only win the night, but also have Reckoning lose in the first round and gain control of the tie-breaker, whatever that may be; those three things all have to happen for Orange Crush to get enough points to tie Reckoning in the standings and then win by way of the tie breaker, whatever that may be.
There is now a 1 in 3 chance that Reckoning and Orange Crush will meet in the first round. If the two teams don’t pull each other, it’s entire plausible and more than likely probable that Orange Crush will attempt to have its drivers fill in for whatever team—Mean Green Machine or Full Throttle—that does get Reckoning in the first round.
Reckoning could then return the favor and try to have its four drivers take the place of whatever teams face Orange Crush, ultimately creating a scenario where Reckoning’s four drivers and Orange Crush’s four drivers could legally and conceivably face each other in four different races on the night.
It’s a ridiculous situation that, again, is not only legal, but more possible that it ever should be. Can you imagine a situation where the Yankees and Red Sox are in a tight pennant race and the Red Sox decide to send their entire team to play as the Orioles for a series against the Yankees just to make up some ground? Of course not! It’s ridiculous!
The only things that separate one team from another are its colors, its drivers and its name. If Damage, Inc uses Orange Crush’s drivers and Orange Crush’s cars at what point in time does it stop being Damage, Inc and start being Orange Crush 2?
To me, it’s beyond bush league to think that the TDA deems it acceptable that a team could supply all four of its drivers to another team complete with four cars and then race as that other team.
Minor Point #2: The Power Outage
That was my bad. I tripped over the extension cord.
In all seriousness, I’ve asked a number of different people about this and haven’t heard any answers. I don’t think there’s any truth to the rumor that Ryan Decker was so electric in the first race of the night that he sucked the power from the lights.
Minor Point #3: If You Are Pushed Over the Chalk Line, You Can Still Race
I consider this a public service announcement. If you push an opponent’s car beyond the chalk line, he is not disqualified. Period.
I mention this because this fact was news to members of at least four different teams on Fourth Night, most notably to Ron Johnston and his Full Throttle teammates. In their first round match-up against Mean Green Machine, Johnston spent considerable time and energy pushing Mean Green Machine’s Garret “Big Kahuna” Vanderbilt beyond the white chalk line… and was surprised and shocked that no officials DQ’d Vanderbilt given that it was announced prior to Third Night of racing that any driver who was pushed beyond the chalk line would be disqualified.
Interestingly, the rule has never changed, even though it would have seemed to. It’s written in the Guidleline Book under point 62: “Any car intentionally leaving the designated race area will be disqualified.”* The confusion arose Third Night when it was incorrectly announced at the driver’s meeting that cars that were pushed out were DQ’d, even though that was not actually the case.
Now you know.
* I wouldn’t mind a slight tweaking of the wording of this rule either. It is extremely hard to suggest that Vanderbilt’s leaving the track was anything but intentional. Granted, it was intentional on Johnston’s part, but the point stands.
Minor Point #4: I am a Genius
Before Second Night this year, I wrote that one of the things I wanted to see was an all female team racing. I suggested calling this team “Team Pink” and quickly suggested getting Lorna Milette involved.
Well, you know what? There is now an all female team with pink cars and captained by Lorna Milette. This team, called Banging for Boobs, is going to be taking the track Fifth Night in an effort to raise money for breast cancer. I’m not 100% sold on the name—I think there is something far more offensive and humorous out there that we haven’t come up with yet—but the cause is great and, more importantly, I am a genius who sees things months in advance, like a demolition derby Da Vinci.
Minor Point #5: What’s the Opposite of Full Circle? Because That’s What We’ve Come
The TDA found itself in an interesting position after Fourth Night 2010. Orange Crush and Reckoning were vying for the National Championship, with the second place team six points behind the leader. The tiebreaker was up in the air—was it the fastest win? The fastest lap? The winner of a sack race? No one had any clue—and there was a lot of drama circulating through the league and on the facebook page about just this fact.
Thank God we left that all in 2010.
Minor Point #6: Rich and Matt Wilson didn’t Race and Still Got Paid
It’s nice work if you can get it.
Father and son combo, Rich and Matt Wilson, were supposed to race together on Damage, Inc in the first round of Fourth Night. When Damage, Inc pulled Reckoning in the first round, the Wilsons bowed out to give their roster spots to Orange Crush drivers Pete Ryan and Tom “Brickman” Lewis. Ryan climbed into Wilson’s #88 car and Lewis supplied his own. For sacrificing their spots on the team, both Wilson’s still got paid.
As I said, it’s nice work if you can get it.
Minor Point #7: Letter to a Shirtless Spectator Racer
Dear Shirtless Spectator Racer,
I appreciate that it was warm Fourth Night and that you raced hard, but there has to be a better way to cool off than to whip your shirt off on the track while waiting for your car to be pulled off.
Yes, I know, the ladies love your abs, but Fifth Night maybe you could bring a towel out with you or a small battery operated fan. If you do absolutely have to take off your shirt during the next night of racing, then I encourage you to really go with it and walk up and down in front of the grandstands looking for an attractive twenty-something blonde to douse you with water.
Otherwise, audition for MTV’s Joliet Shore and get it over with.
Sincerely,
Chris
Minor Point #8: There’s a Lot of Swapping Going On
The amount of automobile incest at play this year is approaching a new record.*
* Tell me that Automobile Incest wouldn’t be a great name for a punk band.
Fourth Night, Damage, Inc. pulled Reckoning in the first round and Orange Crush supplied Damage, Inc. with drivers and a car. Damage, Inc. lost, helping pave the way for a Mean Green Machine vs. Orange Crush final… where Orange Crush’s former driver, Vanderbilt, won the race in a car supplied to Mean Green Machine by Orange Crush. And this was all witnessed by Swan who was sitting back up for Mean Green Machine in a Damage, Inc. car.
Factor in that Damage, Inc. driver Steve Shaffer has been driving for both Seek-N-Destroy as well as Damage, Inc. and that former Bad Company driver, Rich Wilson, was supposed to be driving for Damage, Inc. before bowing out to Orange Crush’s Tom “Brickman” Lewis and you’re looking at more swapping than a British swingers party in 1967. It’s craziness!
Minor Point #9: Don’t Hate 68
As I was strolling through the grand stands before the race, contemplating things like fried Kool-Aid and how much beer the concession stands could hold, I bumped into a family of fans wearing orange, ‘Don’t Hate 68’ T-shirts. (Pictures of these shirts can be seen on Orange Crush’s facebook page).
I love any and all signs (or apparel) that involve individual driver recognition. The drivers are a great bunch of guys almost uniformly across the board and asked the father, Chris Humann, about the origins of the shirt. He laughed and assured me quickly that, “It’s not a negative thing. We just wanted to show our support of Johnny Ryan.”
The Humanns were at the track celebrating little Alex Humann’s 5th birthday (Happy belated Birthday, Alex!) and had been disappointed to learn a few days earlier that Ryan had been suspended for Fourth Night.
“We’ve known Johnny for about two years and he’s been so great to my kids that we decided to make these shirts. Even my two year old daughter can say ‘Johnny Ryan’!” Humann said. So they made up the ‘Don’t Hate 68’ shirts and wore them proudly.
I love this spirit. I encourage more fans to make up their own individual driver’s shirts and to wear them. Yes, the TDA is a team sport, but like any other professional sport, it is made up of individual drivers with varying and unique skill sets who deserve respect and admiration every bit as much as their teams do.
At this point in time, individual driver T-shirts are only available should you make them yourself (or get in good with Monikka Shearer and have her promise to get you a bedazzled, sequined Kyle Shearer T-shirt). However, this is not as much of a stumbling block as it might seem as there are several T-shirt companies around that will create very small numbers of T-shirts for a very reasonable price (T-Shirts and Things by Barb [Gursky] is one of them). Just something to think about until the TDA starts released officially sanctioned driver jerseys.